Cinema Science

From the New York Times.

THE director Judd Apatow and the actress Leslie Mann have been married for more than 10 years. The following is a transcript of an argument they have two or three times a year, or whenever presents need to be given. This conflict will never be resolved.

JUDD

Let me explain this.

LESLIE

You are just going to try to make me look bad. You are wrong on this one.

JUDD

I am not going to try to make you look bad. You look bad because you are wrong. If you just admit you are wrong, then you will look like an open, kind person, but you are dug in. This is your Iraq.

LESLIE

Just explain it, and then I will point out the error of your thinking.

JUDD

One year, as a present, I got Leslie a trip to Italy. We had never visited Europe together, and it was something I knew she would love to do.

So I had a basket made with Italian bread, airline tickets to Rome, a guidebook. Stuff like that. Here is the shocking part: When I gave it to her, she got mad at me.

LESLIE

Why is that shocking? It was a terrible present.

JUDD

It was a great present.

LESLIE

Let me rephrase that. It wasn’t even a present. A trip is something we do together. It is something we would do whether or not it was a present for me. You get to go, so it is for you also. That means it is not a present. It is an activity that would happen anyway.

JUDD

That makes no sense at all.

LESLIE

Your idea of a present is getting me something that you want. The first year we were together for Christmas, you bought me a Tom Petty boxed set.

JUDD

A great gift. What, you don’t like Tom Petty?

LESLIE

Everyone loves Tom Petty, but I don’t want a boxed set for Christmas. You just wanted the boxed set, so you got it for me. Why don’t you just get me some Led Zeppelin records for my birthday? Or some autographs of the Marx Brothers? Those are presents you want, too.

JUDD

But we had never been to Europe before.

LESLIE

And we could have gone, but not as my present. How about this year for Christmas I get you some lotions? Some body lotions, some skin cream?

JUDD

I kind of see your point. My problem is that in the past I have failed to find the right present. Do you remember that one year I bought you all of those really ugly dresses because I thought it would be funny, and assumed you could return them and get credit, and then buy dresses you actually liked?

LESLIE

Yes, but you bought them at Fred Segal and I was only allowed to return them for credit at the section of the store that sold only ugly dresses. The credit was not transferable to the other parts of the store with pretty clothes.

JUDD

But the idea was good.

LESLIE

Maybe on paper.

JUDD

But you are impossible to buy presents for, because you don’t like anything.

LESLIE

I told you, I would be happy to tell you exactly what I want.

JUDD

But that is not a present because then you might as well just buy it for yourself.

LESLIE

But I feel less guilty if you buy it for me.

JUDD

Why don’t we just give more money to charity this year and not give each other presents?

LESLIE

How about we give more money to charity this year and still get each other presents? Now you are just bailing.

JUDD

Well, what exactly do you want?

LESLIE

After 10 years you don’t know me well enough to know what I would like?

JUDD

Fine. So, what are you going to get me?

LESLIE

The new Tom Petty documentary DVD and Van Halen tickets.

JUDD

I think I need more time.