Monday, April 14, 2008

From McSweeney's, film school in three lines or less.

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Citizen Kane

CHARLES FOSTER KANE: I'm dying now. I miss my childhood.

REPORTER: Wealth and power have truly made you an asshole.

WORKER: No one cares if I burn this sled, right?


The Deer Hunter

ROBERT DE NIRO: Russian roulette is a precarious and dangerous game.

CHRISTOPHER WALKEN: One could almost compare it to our nation's current situation in Vietnam.

(Both turn and stare at camera for three hours.)


West Side Story

TONY: Cinema has a long literary tradition. This one's based on Shakespeare.

MARIA: Just like that Amanda Bynes movie!

TONY: (Sigh.) Let's just dance-fight.


The Graduate

BEN: Now that I'm done with college, I don't know who I am.

MRS. ROBINSON: Cougar bait?

BEN: Eh, that was fun, but I want to give the next-gen model a spin.


The Philadelphia Story

CARY GRANT: Sex in the 1940s took place entirely in the form of witty banter.

KATHARINE HEPBURN: Indubitably.


The Godfather

THE GODFATHER: Family is really important, and, um ... Wait, did you even see all these movies?

ME: Yes. Maybe. There were nap breaks.

ALL MY FILM PROFESSORS: You are a horrible, horrible person.

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