Beowulf

The last thing I expected to be while watching Beowulf in 3-D was bored but for the majority of its run time that is exactly what I was experiencing. To be fair, there are exhilarating action sequences but they are few and far between. The majority of this movie takes place in a great hall of some unnamed village with a bunch of drunk warriors, or in darkened rooms with these digitally created actors talking in hushed tones about the great beast that haunts them. Sure the 3-D is great and a neat gimmick but I never thought that the one thing missing from over the shoulder dialogue driven shots was depth perspective. I cared so little about what was happening on screen I did something I never do, got up in the middle of a scene and went to the concession stand. I spent the second act more concerned with a popcorn kernel stuck between my teeth than what was happening on the screen.

Director Robert Zemeckis also has some strange fascination with the nude figure in animated form. I am sure by now everyone has already seen the image of Angelina Jolie, naked except for some gold liquid strategically covering certain body parts, emerging from a pool of water. We are also treated to a fight between Grendel and Beowulf where Beowulf has just awakened from a nude slumber and begins the brawl before pulling on his pants. This is a PG-13 rated movie though, so the shots of Naked Beowulf are handled in a way that is as funny as anything from the similar scenes in Austin Powers. I can't wait for the unrated DVD so everyone can see Beowulf's digital dick flailing across the screen.

Oddly, the one character I did care about in the film is Grendel. Maybe it is because of the comedic possibilities his character holds (see Grendel), or maybe because somehow Crispin Glover makes you care for this ugly, murderous beast through his strange accent and crying out to his mother. All he really wants is some sleep and these drunk mercenaries insist on staying up late and partying like some sort of medieval frat house. Every time he attacked the humans I was rooting for Grendel, nobody deserves a good ass kicking more than noisy neighbors.